Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Sunday Scribblings #262 - Befuddled

I know why you're here. You've come to ask me what happened. That's right, isn't it? You want me to tell you the whole sad story.

Well, then, I don't suppose you'll believe me when I tell you that I don't know.

Don't look at me like that. I know what you're thinking. "Of course she doesn't know. That's what they all say." Think what you will - but its true. I don't know what happened.

It's not that I don't remember. Not really. I do remember, but only in flashes - like seeing bits of the landscape lit up in a lightining storm. Something here, something there, but never the whole picture. I can't even say for sure if I did it or not. They tell me I did, so I suppose I must have - but I don't know.

Could I have done it? Physically speaking, I suppose so... but I don't think I have the right psychology. Not normally anyway. Normally, I wouldn't be able to lift a finger toward such a thing. But people can become desperate. At that moment, perhaps...

Perhaps I could have done it.

You read books or hear stories where a character feels something "snap" inside them. I didn't have that moment. I didn't feel anything snap. Something must have happened, though... With a whole resevoir of emotion pressing against my every nerve, there must have been a point when the dam burst.

But I didn't feel it.

There we were, and he was... and I... and the next thing I knew, there were more people around... I couldn't say if I was on my feet or on my back... that horrible thing was in my hand and I couldn't say how it got there... He was bleeding... it was on me, too... Someone was shouting, people were shouting, running... People asking questions  I couldn't answer...

They took me away after that.

They say I should plead insanity. I won't do it, though... I won't... I wasn't insane. I don't know what I was, but I wasn't insane. I'm not crazy, I wasn't crazy then and I wasn't crazy now.

That's all I know. Please, don't ask me anything else. That's all I know.

I don't know what happened, I swear.

On my honor.

So help me, God.

I don't know...

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